Coonskin's Adventure

Come and read the tale of Coonskin Kurt and how he healed the planet prior to meeting Edge and fighting Azerberjan!
(((http://actionjones.com/private/files/coonskin.html)))

Here are the first two chapters to get you started!


Chapter One - Enter the Proactive Protagonist
Coonskin Kurt howled in despair. His wretched trees were being stubborn today. Usually, he only had to whip them for a few minutes to stimulate their growth. Today though, he had been whipping away for over an hour without any evidence it was doing any good. “Arghibbibble! Grow danggit” Kurt screeched at his tree as he violently struck it a final time with his whip. “The planet must be sickly to be making my trees grow so poorly… I’ll have to seek out this sickness and eradicate it to death!”

Kurt ran inside his cabin to fetch his armaments. He gathered up his bow (no arrows), fake wooden rifle, rake, katana, and bullwhip. Then he burst outside and took off for the Far Mountain, hissing as he ran, “See the wrath of Kurt of Coonskin! Snakesss!”

Chapter Two – Atop Far Mountain
Meanwhile, the Far Mountain Hermit Monk (FMHM, pronounced FOOM-HOOM) was sitting cross legged atop the peak of Far Mountain. He was aware of all that occurred on his mountain and the valleys below, and knew of Coonskin Kurt’s troubles. He cocked his head to the left as he spoke aloud, “The slaver of trees approaches our mountain, intent on seeking our counsel. We should assist him as best we can, should we not?”

FMHM cocked his head the other direction and answered himself, “We do not care for his wicked treatment of his flock of trees, but it is our duty to assist those as their need dictates. Perhaps our kind actions may touch his wooden heart and create respect for the flora he raises…”

Raising his right hand, the FMHM smiled and said, “As we have decided then. We shall tell him how to cure the planet in the hopes that he will treat his herd better.” Leaping straight up into the air while remaining cross legged, the FMHM landed on the slope of the mountain and began his descent of the mountain. He didn’t climb down, but simply slid down the side of the mountain as he sat.

Chapter Three – Heal the World
Coming Soon...

Chapter Three - Heal the World
Coonskin Kurt stopped at the base of the mountain. A hail of pebbles, dirt, and sand was sliding down towards him. “What can this mean? An adversary? An avalanche? A rock monster? ” While Kurt pondered the significance of the stony rain, the mass of sliding objects crashed into a nearby boulder with an explosion of dust. Out from the dust cloud strode the FMHM. Kurt raised his rake in defense as the FMHM approached. “Coonskin Kurt! We mean you no harm. We are the Far Mountain Hermit Monk, and we have the answers you seek.”

“We’ll see! My trees won’t grow. Obviously, the land itself must be ill! I will heal the planet!”

“Calm yourself, child of the valley forest. We know that which you must do. The source of the illness that sickens your trees can be found to the west. Grow cautious when the earth turns to dust beneath your feet, for that is how you sha-“

“I know what to do! I have to eradicate the sickness until it is dead!” And with that, Coonskin Kurt turned and started running towards the west.

FMHM sighed as he watched Kurt disappearing in the distance. “We have tried and failed…” Reaching over his shoulder, the FMHM patted himself on the back and said, “Do not worry. He will return again.”

Sitting down with his legs crossed, the FMHM closed his eyes and imagined himself on top of the Far Mountain again. With a violent jerk, he started to speed back up the mountain, still sitting.

Chapter Four – The New Gobi Dust Plains
Coming soon...


Should I continue?

Hey Andrew, I like it! Please, by all means do continue its very entertaining, honestly. Plus it'll give me a reason to check the forums every once in a while!

Yo ho! What fun! Jolly Entertaining!

Keep it up!

Chapter Four – The New Gobi Dust Plains
Coonskin Kurt’s footprints began to become visible in the deepening dust that covered the stone underneath. “What did that coot at the tall rock thingy speak at me? Beware when the earth turns to dust? Pah! He never told me what was to be bewared! Crazy mountain guy… dude… person.” Kurt stopped walking and looked around. All he saw was endless plains of dust (and the Far Mountain behind him). Turning to the west, Kurt again began to run. “The sooner I get there, the sooner I’m there!”

Watching all of this with great interest was a pair of eyes just visible on top of the dust to Kurt’s left. As Kurt sped away, a low rumble emanated beneath the dust as the eyes slid out of sight.

After a grueling two minutes of running, Kurt again stopped to look at his surroundings. “What a dreary plain… it could drive a man insane… Hey, that rhymed! Yurk-yurk-yurk!” As Kurt laughed at his own superior wit, two eyes pushed up from the dust behind him. A deep and gravelly voice, sounding very similar to rocks rubbing against each other, rumbled through the air, “You trespass on ground that is not yours, tree slaver! The flora of the New Gobi Dust Plains belong to me, poor specimens as they are!”

“Eh? What’s that? Whowherewhy?”

“You come seeking to take my cactus citizens to add to your flock of mountain trees! It will not be so! My people demand that they grow here, free! The price is poor soil, but the cost of belonging to you is higher!”

“I don’t know who you are (or where you are for that matter)”, said Kurt as he turned in circles, “But I’m not here for your flora! I’m here to eradicate the sickness that makes my own herd ill!”

“You are not here for my cacti?”

“No, dangit! Cacti spurs ruin my bull whip!”

“I… I was not aware…”, rumbled the earth.

“Darn tootin you weren’t aware!” Kurt stamped his foot in frustration and it landed right on one of the eyes in the dust.

“mmmMMMRRAGHHH!!!!” A terrifying rumble of a yell was heard resounding through the earth. It was so powerful that it knocked Coonskin to the ground, where he landed on the other eye. “YAARRRGHH!!!”

Kurt jumped up and ran for his life, heading back to the east. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw a wave made of dust barreling across the plains straight towards him. Coonskin redoubled his efforts and made good time. Very soon his feet were racing over the familiar rocky soil of his valley home. Thinking that this made him safe from his pursuer, Kurt stopped and turned around to watch the oncoming wave of dust.

The dust wave crashed against the rocky soil like an ocean wave breaks against the shore. In the midst of the wave was a creature vaguely resembling a four foot long, dust covered lizard. It was thrown violently to the ground as the dust wave broke. “Oomph!”

Coonskin approached the moaning lizard. “Ooohh… I hate all this dust! No one can see me! I hate it I hate it I hate it!”

Coonskin was wary as he spoke, “Well, that’s not a problem…”

“It isn’t?”

“Naw”, said Kurt, “I can fix you right up! Just promise not to be chasing me anymore?”

The beast agreed and Kurt began to use his rake to clean all the dust off his hide. After half an hour or so, the lizard was clean, his scales sparkling in the waning daylight. “Th… Thank you my friend… I had forgotten what it feels like to be clean…”

“It’s no problem!”

“You… are very kind. I am sorry I cannot help you with the illness of your own herd, but there is no sickness here.”

Kurt looked frustrated. “But the rocky hill guy said the west!”

“I fear he may have been wrong. I am sorry.” And with that, the lizard began plodding back into the New Gobi Dust Plains, stepping carefully as he went so as to not get dusty.

Kurt scowled and began running back to the Far Mountain to confront the Far Mountain Hermit Monk once again.



Chapter Five – Return to Far Mountain
Coming soon...

Chapter Five – Return to Far Mountain
Night had fallen and the Far Mountain Hermit Monk was sitting cross legged atop his mountain. He pondered the meaning of Coonskin Kurt’s actions in the New Gobi Dust Plains. “He knows of kindness, even if he does not show it to his flock of trees… Perhaps we have misjudged him on this, though it matters not. He is clearly ill prepared for the truth regarding his herd’s sickness. Ah, but he is here now. We must go to him.”

The FMHM stood up, clapped his hands twice, and appeared at the foot of the mountain, in front of an astonished Coonskin Kurt. “You! Ran west like said but stepped eyeball cleaned monster rake,” Kurt sputtered as he began to bounce up and down in his frustration.

“Calm yourself, child of the valley forest. We did not get a chance to finish telling you. We tried to say that the source of the sickness could be found to the west, but the sickness itself is not there. No, the sickness moved from the west and went east. If you travel that path, herder of the trees, you shall find a-“

“Ah-ha! So you’re saying that the sickness is east and I should go there right away! Snakes!” And with that statement, Coonskin took off towards the east.

The FMHM shook his head sadly as Kurt disappeared into the distance. “Are we certain of this man? Are we certain of our own methods?”

FMHM turned and faced the mountain as he continued, “There is no other way. He must discover this himself.”

Nodding to himself, the Far Mountain Hermit Monk finished, “Then we shall wait.” At this the FMHM stuck out his tongue to attract a deer and rode it back to the top of the mountain.



Chapter Six – The Battle of the Tide Crashers
Coming soon…

Chapter Six – The Battle of the Tide Crashers

Coonskin Kurt ran east. He ran east for two days and three nights. He ran without stopping to sleep or eat. On the dawn of the third day, he slid to a stop at the top of a high cliff overlooking the Transpacific Gulf Ocean.

“Eh? Water as far as my eyes can see? How can I cross this giant puddle and find the illness of the earth?”, wondered Kurt. Before he had any time to think, he heard a mighty crash to his left. There, a stone's throw from the shore, a gigantic splash had thrown a column of water high into the sky. “Hoo-hoo-hoo! Looks like there's fish in this puddle! I could eat a hundred fish! Snakes!”

“Whooo areee youuuu??” A slow bellow washed over Kurt's senses like a tidal wave of sound as a gigantic dark shape slid up from the ocean below him. It slid up to the height of the cliff Kurt stood upon. It slid higher and higher until it touched the clouds in the sky, water running off of it in rivers, blotting out half the sky.

Kurt fell backward and pulled his wooden rifle into a ready position. “Eh? Whazzat and who are you? Back up so I can see ya! Sam-hill!”

The shape receded away from the cliff, causing ripples the size of tsunami's to radiate away from it as it moved. The shape moved back, and back, and back. Finally, Kurt could see the whole shape clearly enough to recognize it: a turtle the size of a small continent! Its head turned slowly to Kurt and it asked again, “Whooo areee youuuu?”

Kurt never lowered his wooden rifle as he answered, “Name's Kurt! Coonskin! Coonskin Kurt! Nice to meet ya!”

“Wellll Cooooonskiiinnnn of Kuuuuurt... whyyyy arrrrr' youuuu hereeee?”

“I'm looking for a sickness! A sickness of trees. But right now I'm hungry. Got any fish, what have you?”

“FISHH?!? YOUU WOULD STEALL MY FISH TOOO??!”

“...wazzat?”

Suddenly, with a gigantic crash of thunder, a column of water shot into the sky to Kurt's left as another monstrous dark shape rose to the surface of the water: a whale bigger than Kurt's entire forest!

“BEGONE, TURTLE! THE FISH ARE MINE! YOU HAVE NO CLAIM OVER THEM!”

“FOUL BEAST OF BLUBBERRR! I OWN THISSS SEA!!!!”

“Hey fellas”, Kurt tried to cut in, but didn't get very far.

“PERCHANCE YOU DO OWN THE SEA, BUT I SUBMIT YOU DO NOT OWN THE FISH THAT DWELL WITHIN IT!”

“PLANKTONN SUCKERR! YOURR LOGIC IS FAULTYY!”

“...” Kurt wasn't sure what to do, but his stomach was starting to grumble. So while the two beasts argued, he took his bow off of his back and unstrung one end. Using his katana and a twig, he whittled a wooden fishing hook and attached it to his bowstring. He then cast the line out into the water.

The two beasts argued and argued. They yelled. They cursed. They called each other horrible names. Kurt ignored them and continued fishing. After a few hours, he had caught a dozen fish and was busy cooking them over a fire. That was when the whale noticed.

“THE LAND DWELLER HAS FISH!” The turtle and whale ceased their arguing and drifted in towards shore, pushing and shoving each other all the way. “Tell us, dweller of earth, how have you done this thing?” The turtle was also curious and asked, “Yesss. How may we tooo catch fissssh?”

“You gotta be patient! You can't be fighting and making noise! Catching fish takes time!” And with that, Coonskin taught the beasts how to fish. He taught them to take their time. He taught them not to fight and to work together. At last, he had taught them all he could. “So, now that I have taught you to fish, will you help me cross this sea? I must learn about the illness that affects my trees!”

The whale answered, “We are the Tidecrashers. We have traveled all across the sea and seen the lands which lie beyond. They are known as the sub-Saharan antarctic and are a desolate place, full of icy winds and rocky earth. The snow falls from the sky and no trees reach up from the ground to greet it. I am afraid that there will be no answer to your illness across the water, Cookskin of Kurt.”

“That monk! He's jerking my chain around in circles and pulling my legs over my eyes! I have words to bandy with him!” And with that, Kurt turned around and ran back west, towards the Far Mountain.

Chapter Seven – The End of the Far Mountain Hermit Monk
Coming soon...

Chapter Seven – The End of the Far Mountain Hermit Monk

The Far Mountain Hermit Monk was aware of Coonskin Kurt's adventure with the Tide Crashers. He sat cross-legged at the top of Far Mountain for three days, pondering Kurt's actions and speaking aloud, “The slaver of trees has shown kindness not once, but twice now.”

Cocking his head to one side, the FMHM answered himself, “And not only kindness, but now he has shown patience as well. Are we prepared now to tell him what he needs to know?”

The FMHM tilted his head to the other side. “We are prepared, but is he? We are unsure of this. Maybe he will react violently? Maybe he will accuse us of misleading him? Accuse us of deceit? Maybe he will-”. The FMHM quickly raised his hand up to the level of his eyes and brought it across his cheek with substantial force. “We should not speak so! We must help each as his situation dictates. And the child of the forest's recent behavior dictates that we be open and forthright to him!”

The FMHM stood up atop the mountain and pointed a finger at himself. “And do not let us hear us speak in such a cowardly manner again! Do we understand? Perfectly. Good.”

Turning to face the east, the FMHM sighed. “The forest child approaches. We shall go to him.” With a small flourish, the Far Mountain Hermit Monk began to cartwheel his way down the mountain.

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Meanwhile, Coonskin Kurt was approaching the Far Mountain. “That crazed old mountain man hermit dude! He's obfuscating my issues! Could he be the source of the sickness that's making my trees not grow? Snakes!”

As the Far Mountain loomed larger in Kurt's vision, he could make out a humanoid figure descending the slope like a giant wheel. “That'll be the codger!” Adjusting course, Kurt ran as fast as he could to intercept the FMHM.

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With a grace beyond words, the FMHM ended his descent in a relaxed pose against a tree. Arms folded in front of him, he watched as Coonskin Kurt made his way towards him.

As soon as Coonskin Kurt was in shouting distance, he hollered to the FMHM, “Far Mountain hermit man-dude! I have words to bandy!”

After waiting for Kurt to close some of the distance, the FMHM answered, “We know, child of the forest. And we have words to give you in exchange for yours.”

Finally reaching the tree where the FMHM stood, Coonskin Kurt began to bounce in frustration as he sputtered, “I went where you told me! Didn't see any illnesses! Just your treachery!” Kurt readied his wooden rifle for use as a club.

“We understand your frustrations, tree slaver. Know that what we did, we did for your own good and betterment. We did not intend to deceive.”

“Well, you did! Made me run west and then made me run east! Nothing either direction!”

The FMHM sighed and stopped leaning against the tree. Standing up straight, he answered Kurt, “That is where you are mistaken, child of the forest. You are the sickness that ails your trees. It is your impatience and lack of kindness towards them that causes their growth to slow. When we told you to run to the west and that the source of the sickness would be there, we did not lie, for you were there. When we told you that the sickness had left the west and was moving east, we again did not lie, for you came from the west heading east. In each case, you demonstrated kindness to those you met, showing us that your heart is not made of wood, but flesh. You also showed great patience in dealing with the Tide Crashers, showing us that you can wait for things that take time. Coonskin Kurt, we wish to teach you the ways of the forest and the trees. The way oaks grow and maples flourish. The journey will be long, but you will be better for it.”

“Too much bandying!” As Kurt shouted his displeasure, he swung his wooden rifle at the other man's head. As it whistled through the air, the Far Mountain Hermit Monk had just enough time to think to himself, “We tried to warn us.”

With a loud CRACK, the rifle connected with the FMHM's head. His senses knocked loose, he staggered drunkenly in a circle. “Eh, where am I? Who am I?”

Coonskin Kurt gave the only logical answer as he put his rifle away.

“Dragon! Your name is Dragon and you're my friend guy!”

“... Makes sense.”

THE END(?)

(see http://video.google.com/googleplayer.swf?docId=2144350315875203777 )